If you’ve ever experienced heartbreak because of someone else’s actions, I don’t have to tell you how hard it is. The pain is sometimes unrelenting and feels like it’ll never heal.
I understand all too well. As a newly divorced woman, I couldn’t imagine what my life would be like in the future. For years I felt I’d never get over it. But I did.
I have a hunch that you’ll get over your heartbreak, too. It’s not easy, but with time and the right tools, recovery is possible.
I think one of the signs you’re moving on is forgiveness — self-forgiveness in some cases, but I’m focusing on forgiveness of the offender.
Some get tripped up by the idea of forgiveness because they confuse it with reconciliation.
Forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation. If someone shows you their toxicity or dishonesty, believe them.
Forgiveness also never means saying that what they did was right.
It doesn’t mean that you forget what happened. If you experience deep grief over what someone else did, you’ll never forget. Forgiving merely allows you to think about their actions without searing pain.
Forgiveness is not a feeling either.
Nor is it an overnight event.
It’s something you can offer even if the perpetrator is dead, gone from your life, or not sorry.
Forgiveness benefits you much more than it benefits them.
It’s a process that cannot be rushed or forced. It’s a personal choice.
Perhaps you want to forgive or think you have. If you’d like a road map, the following signs that helped me on my journey can help you on yours.
Sign #1
When you think of him or her, you don’t feel emotional. The anger or sadness isn’t at the forefront of your mind. You’re clear-headed and calm.
Sign #2
His or her name rolls easily off your tongue. And if someone else shares their name, you won’t wish they had a different one!
Sign #3
When you see a photo of them, you feel nothing: No anger, no hate, no sadness. It’s like you never knew them. They’re merely a part of your past and that past may feel more distant than actually is.
Sign #4
You remember the good times you had with them. And you can laugh about the silly times. Your memory bank is more balanced.
Sign #5
You don’t dread anniversaries or birthdays when they come around. You may or may not remember them, but when you do, it’s just like any other day.
Sign #6
The most difficult sign is the ability to wish that person well. You no longer dream of revenge and are happy for them when you hear something good has happened to them.
My experience
Right after I left my ex, my counselor encouraged me to forgive. She was right, but it was too soon. I hadn’t had a chance to process or feel all the grief. I wanted to forgive, but I couldn’t at that time.
It took me many years to forgive my ex-husband and it was a process.
In the past, emotions would bubble to the surface at the mention of his name. I struggled to say his name.
In 2018, seven years after my divorce, I started a new job and three of my co-workers had my ex’s name. It was ironic and a little funny. I was healing.
I used to look at his picture and feel negative emotions.
I used to remember mostly the bad times, and that’s what I talked about.
In 2012, a year after my divorce, I moved to the United States to study for a year and left on his birthday. It turned something bad into something good.
Now I don’t have strong emotions when I think of him, which is not as often as it used to be.
I can say his name quite easily.
When I see his picture, I feel nothing. It’s almost as if I never knew him.
I remember funny incidents like the time we were having dinner, and his chair broke, and I said, “No dessert for you.” I still remember the bad times, but I don’t focus on them like I used to, and they don’t cause pain.
I remember his birthday and our anniversary, but it’s a passing thought and not the first thing I think of when those dates roll around.
Honestly, I still have trouble wishing him well, but I know he has a better job than he used to. That used to be a sore point for him, so I’m glad about that. Does this mean I still have traces of unforgiveness? Maybe.
Forgiveness Tips
If you want to forgive but find it difficult to do so, don’t be hard on yourself. Give yourself time and show yourself compassion.
If you want to forgive and need motivation, reading books or watching videos on forgiveness can help.
On the other hand, you may feel that you don’t need to forgive. That’s absolutely your choice. But it’s a choice that comes highly recommended. There are many benefits to letting go, such as better health, better relationships, and more.
After reading this article, I trust you have a better understanding of forgiveness and an awareness of the signs you’ve taken this difficult but important step on your journey.
Comentários